Mailbag: A Journey Beyond

February 28th, 2015

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Dear Ms. Saharah Eve:

(Original publication 2014/10/17)

I have been following your website now for several months and I wanted to let you know how impressed I am with it.

I really appreciate your patience with me. This is probably going to sound weird this day and age but as a submissive male I have been finding it very hard to find Women online who do this in real life.

I’ve been promised real time meetings after having spent considerable time trying to vet myself to on-line Dominas and professionals.

I’m sorry if that offends with consideration to your female supremacist views but it’s a reality I have had to admit to.

Women like yourself are not easy to find. I am getting weary of dealing with Dominas playing the part to make money and leading you on to believe you can one day become something more than a internet sub.

I don’t have a problem with this per se, but I want something real. They turn out to be online dominants only and I am afraid it is making me bitter and cynical about the whole thing.

I truly believe in a female led relationship. Being under the control of a Woman who likes in being a leader and leading Her man to be a better person must have led me to search for this.

I hate feeling like this, but I feel like getting acquainted with yet another woman who seems to understand submissive males will only result in more disappointment. How do I stop this from happening to me?

Am I doing something wrong? Am I looking in the wrong places?

Frustrated and confused,

DEAR B:

For some time now I’ve noticed something peculiar in the pop culture of female dominance—something that appears to be growing as the mainstream accepted fetish play du jour and the adult industry catches up in service to it.

That “thing” is the tendency in businesses to capitalize, simply, on what’s desirable.  I see it in every area of the market today from fashion design to big tech.

If a celebrity wears something flashy it’s not long before everyone has to have it, too.

When Apple comes out with a slick new desktop model or phone design, many computer companies attempt to emulate the look. Following what’s hot and trendy is effective in getting attention and then success—however short-lived that success may be.  It’s always been like that: where there are a few originators, there are many, many more wagon jumpers who say, “me too!”  They mimic and emulate.

And I find it’s no different in the world of Female dominance or “Femdom,” sorry to say, and that’s a bit of an understatement. Even writing the word “Femdom” feels…weird to Me, not because of the literal contraction it represents but rather the consumable caricature unto itself that it has become and the confusion it creates.

This is My opinion and I don’t intend to offend anyone.  I see Women on the internet dressed up in fetish Mistress attire, domestic teacher clothing, studded leather, etc., but how does a man such as you decipher whether it’s merely a role? Does it really represent styles of choice, or is it simply a temporary necessity?

I’m recognizing that there is a lot of performance art and top-service fantasy play bound up in the phrase “Femdom.” So much that’s about all the phrase represents now, sadly.

And add to that the commercial efforts of sex workers, cam college Girls, internet Princesses, Pro-Dominatrices, etc., who play a Femdom to make a little extra money off to the side for college, etc., and you can see how hard it can be for the average male, who is looking for something beyond the temporary, to sift through.

And just to make this a little more confusing, this is not to say that I think a Woman who capitalizes on male interest is, by default, a sham.  It is instead to say that a man looking for a dyed-in-the-wool potential Mistress has to be able to observe Her closely and consider Her message and Her true character first before devoting his time and energy into Her.

Observation skills have to be on point, for the ability to beguile is getting easier with modern technology in this connected world of cut and paste plagiarism and casual intellectual property theft.

Anyone can build a blog in minutes, open up a social networking account here and there, post a few hot selfies, and presto: a newly minted Princess, Mistress, Domme, Humiliatrix, Goddess, etc. is born.

I realize that it’s a fact of nature beauty does interesting things to men from middle school and up and Women tend to know this. When a man sees a Woman he thinks is beautiful, he is projecting himself unto her, where he can immediately build her up in his mind without knowing much about Her.

Many guys skip past the bios and go right for the galleries once the word “Mistress” is appended before a Woman’s stage name. Many men use the potential of a Woman’s body to serve their own fetishes as a basis for wanting to “serve” Her.

For these men the fantasy-play is where their submission begins and ends.
But what about a man who wants to deeply consider the message of each Woman and approach only those who appear to have the taste and understanding necessary to truly enslave him?

The “culture” of fetish has become a commercial land where easily beguiled prey are constantly reinforcing the dysfunction of the market they support.  In such a realm, there is no intention of bringing slavery to any tangible level of reality: it’s a continuum of fantasy and hedonistic transactions and, sadly, little more than that.

From countless conversations with men seeking dominance beyond play, I can see how this creates a hoard of cynical and dispossessed men.

Their cynicism often becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, too: the more jaded they become to the notion of serving a Woman the more rigidly self-defeating their prospects of finding the real deal becomes.

It permeates their judgment and colors the way they see any Woman who holds a whip or calls Herself a Mistress.

Some probably glance at My online presence and its imagery and they assume they know what they’re seeing based upon everything else they’ve seen before.

They may focus on how I benefit materially from My sensual nature and penchant for owning men, even engaging in some fetish activities with them, but if an observer would look a little further into Me he will find a stark dissonance between what I do compared to the per-hour commercial venture of a cam college Girl or Pro Domina.

Talk to many professional Dominas and I’m sure one can quickly realize that many of them (but to be fair, not all) consider what they do as strictly a business, and a business often kept neatly away from the rest of their lives, at that.

The Women are certainly skillful and beautiful. Their photos are alluring and ads are glossy.  The things they say are calculatingly “on” for the clientele they seek to attract.  But to the man seeking something more, asking how many actually live this way of life after the sessions are over or the camera stops rolling is a question worth asking.

It’s a deceptively simple question to ask. At first, the bar set with this question seems easy enough to reach.  “Well, I happen to be a personal friend of Mistress so-and-so and I know she has slaves in real life.” one might answer.

Yes, yes. Ho hum. But really…how many are actually doing this in real life, 24/7? How many have s-l-a-v-e-s? Such questions matter to the more serious seekers looking to embrace the realities of slavery beyond temporary escapism and role play.

This question has more than one dialectological onionskin to patiently peel away.

It seems there’s often a strange sort of sub-culturally reinforced wink and nod that’s shared among those supposedly in the know, but it’s really a mirror house of semantics one steps into when he asks that pure question with the hope of a pure answer.

The docile, prurient hubby of that Mistress So-and-So who accompanies Her to fetish events in matching latex does not, by definition, make him a slave by any stretch of the imagination, nor does the weekender she has off to the side who has a “house cleaning fetish” and later likes to be strung up naked and pelted with tomatoes in the back yard—though many would ignorantly consider him a “slave,” too.

The simple truth is that 999 times out of 1000, these men aren’t slaves, and if you listen to their personal philosophies where slavery is concerned (if they are so kind enough to share them), this becomes apparent enough through their own words.

The depth of their understandings, of how far they take the concepts of slavery and apply them with any dash of seriousness in their own lives might as well amount to theory stitched in intellectual silly string.

It is, more often than not, an adult game at play and the popular imagery we associate with it is in service to the fantasies that fuel them. Saying this too loudly might ruffle feathers, but what is true isn’t always easy for people to accept and I won’t apologize for speaking the truth.

And lest there be any doubt, I don’t have any problem with casual D/s; I can appreciate the fulfillment it provides.

Neither do I have a problem with internet Princesses, FinDoms, Pro Dominas, etc. I give professionals, both on-line and real-time, every bit of respect they deserve.

What I do have an issue with is the mingling of terms: how uncool it has become to refer to oneself as a submissive rather than a slave, when submissive or even “bottom” would be far more accurate.

Blurred lines only serve to confuse those seeking slavery.  The same goes for some Professionals, too: it has become uncool to admit you’re into service topping males and that you charge a fee for it.

The hypnotic assertions and truisms that justify the role playing sound so good to a great many people who like erotic games, but this allows a vast number of men (and Women) to coast unthinkingly along.

Slavery isn’t a big deal, right? It’s just a part-time gig at a dungeon or a thing I do on the weekends.

I mean, slavery isn’t actual slavery, right? Think again.  Consensual slavery is the biggest form of human commitment there is and a Saturday night out in hot fetish regalia does not put you any closer to embracing reality than furries do in dressing up as horses and lions at other kin conventions.

So perhaps I’m preaching to the choir and you may understand all of that. Your prevailing question may simply be how to spot the bologna more easily.

To this, I can offer the following advice to those like you who are searching for something a little more than fantasy role-playing.

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  1. Pay attention to Her philosophies and how serious it appears She takes this way of life. Claims of doing this in real life, of having “personal slaves” have to extend beyond fanciful social media blurbs and pouting selfies with likely boyfriends.  Is She intellectually engaged in being who and what She is?  Is there apparent evidence of this? Do Her online presentations feel less like reflections of the human soul and more like a storefront capitalizing on all the usual trappings? If so, proceed with a great deal of caution: all there may be there is a sensual ghost with one crumby and ultimately singular objective: to take your money.
  1. Watch for plagiarism and the viral patterns of intellectual property theft we often see in Femdom Land. I’m not one to speak up often about this, as it does feel a bit like I’m tooting My own horn, but I do see some Women borrowing heavily from Me at times.     That alone isn’t something I take offense to, but when it’s clear they or adult companies are just capitalizing on the things they “picked up” from Me and the imagery I present here, it does tend to be a little disappointing.   My interest has always been to inspire imagination and desire in authentic Female dominance and authentic male submission, not create a visual playbook for posing on either side of the fence.   Sellouts borrow liberally from the lives of authentic Mistresses to camouflage themselves and their true intents. Learn how to decipher them.  Study the images they present to the world and the language they use.  Does it seem authentic or does it seem borrowed?  Someone who can’t turn out a single original thought or idea from Her own head should be held suspect. So…ask questions. Have conversations. Test Her understanding of the very thing She claims to practice.
  1. I hope what I’ve written here helps you and men like you who seek a deeper level of D/s.  As a supplement to this post, I highly suggest you refer to an earlier article on this issue.   Good luck on your journey! 😀

(Original post:  2014/09/06)