Dear Ms. Saharaheve:
I’m a new, late 30’s male with limited r/l experience. I have lots of experience with pro doms and a brief relationship going back a while ago with a lady who liked to dominate me. Unfortunately she didn’t do a lot of the things pro doms did to me and I assumed she wasn’t a real dom. I’m kinda at fault because I was under many assumptions such as,
1. thinking all doms were ready to play with anyone 24/7
2. thinking Mistresses always walked around with all their war make-up on, hair all done up, fetish clothes on and in high heels 24/7
Yeah, pretty naive.
I started off thinking all I had to do was tell her my kinks and fetishes then poof she’d be interested in them. It didn’t last and off I went to join BDSM dating sites.
So many guys are hardwired to their sex drives and I’m wondering if you see a lot of men who think doms are wired to just hook up with anyone just because they like the same thing?
I’m older now and the sexual component is not as important to me as finding out what pleases her and making it happen.
No, Mistresses are not always dressed up in heels, make-up and sexy clothes 24/7. And neither do we walk around hoping to tempt all males into total submission. LOL. On a more serious note, I am glad you wrote. I have decided it is time to make a post about My personal opinions regarding online fantasy vs. real-life reality of Mistress and slave. For Me, writing this entry is a matter of intellectual conscience, for as I speak with many newbie males I have increasingly realized that something needs to be addressed about how “Mistresses” and “slaves” really interact in the real world. To cut to the chase, there is a vast curtain of adult commercial glitz and glamour in the industry that is Femdom, and unless an impressionable man knows otherwise, he can easily get caught up in the gilded illusions of fetish porn and the fantastical imagery of adult actress celebrities with whips. Imagery, mind you, that is beautifully and sensually designed to arouse—but says really nothing of the context of a relationship between a Woman and Her slave.
In the enormous continuum of media churned out by adult-porn studios, professional Dominatrices, and otherwise celebrity/would-be celebrity Dominas, we get to see a lot of sexy and erotic content, for sure. Oral sex, face sitting, anal penetration with strap-ons, or outright intercourse are things that seem as foregone conclusions with all this sexy “Mistress and slave” stuff. What many may fail to realize is that nearly 100% of the men featured in these images and films are paid adult actors and models (AKA hired “meat puppets”) for adult studios, and most of the Women featured in these images and films are paid adult actresses in fetish regalia that walk the walk and talk the talk under the guidance of a director. Anything beyond that often tends to be a dominant Woman and Her paying client or an intimate partner, whom She fully knows, playing the part of a “slave” online, engaging in sexual acts on cam, in photos or in movies with one fairly ubiquitous goal in mind: to procure the interests of more clients or customers. Not that there is anything wrong with good marketing, but we would never, for an instant, be so gullible as to assume the worlds presented to us in glossy magazine ads, commercials and movies are real, so why would we attribute reality to any of the media we see regularly presented by commercial studios and professional services online?
The simple point is we should not, for if we do we are liable to be a bit confused when the candy coated porn version hits the concrete of the real world and bloodies its nose. In reality, you may never, as a slave, have access to your Mistress as shown in all these movies. So, to avoid mincing words or droning on without getting to the point, let Me simply say the following: Being servile does not allow a male instant access to a Woman’s sex, Her dominance or even Her affection.
Unlike professional Dominatrices, a dominant Woman—much less a Mistress—is not obligated to serve your fetishes, your kinks, or your desires for romantic intimacy. The obligation and responsibility goes from man to Woman and slave to Mistress. That is really the entire point of Mistress and slave. Indeed, She may enjoy using him sexually and to Her satisfaction, but it is not a given that She will or must, and many of the would-be slaves out there really need to consider this deeply before jumping into the pool with too many assumptions. And the assumptions are pretty easy to have by way of imagery paraded before our eyes whenever we look up the words Femdom or Mistress and slave on the Internet or read about them in fantasy novels.
Looking at these many movies online acted out by professional Dominatrices and adult actresses, we get the sense that the Ladies are all fast and indiscriminate—that they are not all that picky about who they choose to allow to service them sexually, but the reality is almost always quite different. A Mistress is a Woman, a human being first and foremost. Her desire to dominate you, if it is authentic, is triggered by you, i.e., you are that inspiring incentive. She does not walk around with a deep seated passion to dominate any and all males. She is a human being, and like all human beings, context often informs Her interests in the sexual act. She must be attracted to a man first before wanting—truly wanting—to dominate him and engage in the deeper shades of sexual exchange with him. And when I say “attracted” I am not only speaking of the physical, but of the psychological, and, truth be told, the latter is more where it is at. A beautiful man can still be a blunt and ungainly ignoramus with no class or depth and without the right attitude he is not going to be very attractive to an alpha Female.
If a man wants to have that special privilege of serving his Goddess so intimately he needs to have the right stuff and that stuff can not be faked transiently. Outside of being an attractive and honorable man in general, he needs to prove himself through blood, sweat, and tears that he is there for Her and that he cares deeply for Her comfort and gain. Always loyal and eager to please Her, always there for Her and extending himself for Her, he will impart a sense of security and thus comfort Her immensely. But even this is not enough, necessarily, for a slave is expected to provide these things with or without sexual intimacy anyway. He can have many good qualities and still remain kept from tasting Her intimately. This should not be something that makes him quit at all. It should inspire him toward his servitude all the more. Indeed, slave labor sublimates sexual tension and drive but the slave himself may not ever be allowed access to Her at all…and this will only serve to tease and deliciously compel his slavery. Ideally he should come to see Her as an untouchable embodiment of the Feminine Divine, an entity he should feel lucky enough to simply be in the presence of alone, and should he be granted the privilege of kissing Her feet, it will be awe-inspiring and satiating alone.
But sex and sexual acts? These are never a given, as much as all the gobs of Internet movies like to lead one to think otherwise. As stated above, for as much as a man may have good qualities and perfect loyalty, that is not a guarantee he will be wanted intimately. All slaves must come before their potential Mistresses knowing this potential reality. If he does appeal to Her and he remains a devoted and all-consumed heel-licking slave for Her every whim, he may very well have the lofty pleasure and honor of pleasing Her. But never should the sexual act or Her sexual interest be taken for granted as the world of fetish porn seems so given to do.